As I mentioned in my very first blog post the name I chose was The Giving Circle because that was what my mom used to talk about. How when you give to someone it will keep going to other people. My mom had so many great words of advice. I've been trying and trying to remember all of our conversations.
My mom knew she was sick, and she tried to tell me she wouldn't make it through this year, but what took her was something that shocked us all, she had a blood infection which they call Sepsis. I have never heard of this before, and it happened to so quickly it shocked us to the core.
My mom was such an amazing woman, no matter how bad she hurt and felt she didn't want nobody to know, she was more worried about of all of us then she was herself. She had the biggest heart of anybody I know. She gave her heart to the Lord in 2011, and she always let me know how much the Lord meant to her.
When mom talked to me about how she knew she wouldn't make it through this year, she tried to tell me about having no regrets, and she talked to me about forgiveness, and how she wanted all of her family to know that she was at peace with everything, and for not one of us to have any regrets about anything that may concern her. I've been trying to deal with the regrets, the what I should have done more, why didn't I do this or that, just so many regrets I'm overwhelmed with. I know she tried to tell me to let all of this go, but I can't, and I know holding onto them isn't the thing to do either.
When mom passed I thought why is the world still going? Why don't the people feel the pain that I'm feeling, which I know this may sound absolutely crazy, but my grief and pain are so deep, that I honestly thought that the world should stop.
My mom touched so many people's lives, that at her funeral I was overwhelmed to see all the people there, and I can just picture my mom looking down and saying, did I really touch that many people? Yes mom you did, and I know there is more out there that you did too. The Pastor of mom's church did the service, his name is Pastor Tom, mom wrote everything down, which I know that's where I get it from, and she had to write down her first testimony she gave in church, it was 6 pages long. Oh how it touched me hearing about how she had found God and what a difference it had made in her life. My mom had a very very bad childhood, and there was a part in her testimony that she had said she had a terrible childhood that no child should ever have, and she had never felt special as a child, but when she found the Lord she was a special child, this hurt me so, but also made me feel good to know that finally she felt special in her life. I hope she knew how special she was to me, and how much she means to me.
I can't bring myself to do much of anything, and I know this isn't how my mom wanted me to be. She would tell me she is in such a better place now, she's able to walk now without pain, and to breath, and to be able to do all of the things she couldn't do here on earth. Mom had gotten so bad that she had told me she isn't living, she's existing. I didn't want to see her in pain, but I just want my mom back...which I know that's the selfish part of me
I miss her so very much, there feels like such a big emptiness inside of me, there is so much loneliness, I know a part of me died when she died. I can't function I think about what do I have to go on for? I live out in the boonies, I have no family or friends here, my mom was my link to the outside world, she was my best friend, my confidante, the one I could cry to, the one I could tell my anger too, and now that's gone, and I feel so completely alone.
I look at pictures of our happy times, and think how unfair that I will never have this again with her. It makes me smile to see her look happy, but the sadness comes in, and the tears start knowing those times are over with.
It feels like this pain will never go away, Mom, I need your strength to help me through this, you were the strongest lady I know...please please help me Mom! I love you and miss you so very much
I'm feeling so so lost, and so alone without you mom.....
Here's one of my mom's favorite songs, Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler, I hope you know mom how you are my hero, and how I wish I could be more like you
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